- I don’t ask for help because I don’t need it.
- I can figure it out by myself.
- I have the internet and I can look up anything I need to know.
- I don’t want my colleagues to know that I am weak and need help.
- I can’t afford to spend any money on getting help.
- No one can really help me.
- How can I trust anyone but myself to care about my success?
- I have to stand on my own two feet.
- and on and on…..
SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS PICTURE?
Does it give you goose bumps? Would it feel really good to have people just waiting to help you?
We know that much of the resistance to get help throughout life comes from the early training of either getting too little or too much help.
Nowadays there are books out about “Helicopter Parents” who get involved in every aspect of their kids’ growth. They do their homework,they call or text the child constantly, they write their cover letters for college applications, they yell at teachers and coaches for not doing enough for their child. Obviously these kids are not going to ask for realistic, reliable help because they have been saddled with feelings they can’t do anything without Mom or Dad’s inclusion. Or, they revolt and don’t want anyone to “interfere” in their life.
There are the reverse childhood experiences in which children receive no parental help and through neglect end up with no inner strength to succeed in lots of things. They have had to muddle through without guidance and many times end up on the wrong paths.
How are these two experiences alike? Both do not have any idea how to “help” other people in a healthy way.
Working backwards from this, could part of the answer be to learn how to help other people in a healthy and realistic way? This would be a huge step forward in learning how to overcome the resistance for help from all kinds of sources as we go through live. Might this be the way to learn that people can trust you to be there for them when they need help? To not be intrusive in their lives but to offer support, guidance and kindness when the need is obvious. More importantly, to learn how to not overdo help but have set boundaries so that the help offered is realistic and healthy.
Once you have experienced what it is to help a person in this way, confidence and knowledge that you can ask and receive help yourself will blossom.
I will be gone for the next several weeks, playing in Italy, so let me give you some homework to keep you busy.
- Take a look at the excuses for not getting help listed in the beginning of this blog and see if any apply to you.
- Write down any “help” that you have given to anyone except your children in the past 6 months.
- Identify at least one person who you have noticed lately that could use some help.
- Do one small kindness this week (could be holding the door open for someone, carrying a heavy package for someone or just giving a smile to a stranger)
I help attorneys day in and day out. I see the resistance to help from all kinds of attorneys. I believe that if there was understanding of this phenomenon on an individual basis, life would be so much easier to all of us.